


Behind this Helmet...

by RyuuShinobi



Category: Borderlands
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, naruto reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-21
Updated: 2015-01-21
Packaged: 2018-03-08 11:44:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3207956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyuuShinobi/pseuds/RyuuShinobi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gotta See, Gotta Know! Zer0-sensei's true face!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a reference to Episode 101 of Naruto, which is not required watching in order to appreciate the fic. Starting drabble and Chapter 2 were written by IX while the rest of Chapter 1 was written by Daisy, who does not have an Ao3 account. :(

> "Do you ever eat?" Maya asks one day, looking up from her skag burger at where the assassin was sitting silently at the table. The other vault hunters not so surreptitiously glancing over the top of their own meals. Zer0's faceless helmet turns towards the siren. "Why waste time eating / when there is killing to do? / Much more productive." A silence falls over the table and one by one they resume eating, disappointed at being thwarted from seeing the assassin's face.

This incident gave way to further discussion among the Vault Hunters, specifically one day gathered not-so-secret in Moxxi’s bar.

"We are assuming Zer0 is even  _human_ , honestly!” Maya corrected the others, as they wondered amongst themselves what could be behind the mask. Their ideas were starting to get more and more obnoxious. It didn’t help that Axton and Salvador had been drinking casually. Krieg was clearly getting uncomfortable with the conversation.

"HUMAN!" Krieg screeched, banging his sawblade on the table. "No, no, number! NUMBER!" He fell back to scratching his head.

"What if…" the soldier started, bringing his legs up into his chair and positioning his feet under him, "What if he has like…" Axton motioned to his mouth and, with a wobble, put two fingers to his mouth, almost like fangs. " _BEAVER TEETH_!” he exclaimed and almost fell of his seat from laughter.

"No, no," the gruff gunzerker interjected, putting hands to his mouth as well, cupping his fingers over his lips, "Big lips, eh?" Salvador made kissing noises at Axton, both of them laughing up a storm and pointing at each other in hilarity.

Maya sighed briefly before realizing Krieg was making small kissing noises to himself as well, running his blade over his thumb and bouncing gently in his chair. As if feeling the Siren’s stare, he glanced at her with a mischievous glint in his eye and spoke up.

"Wrong, wrong, how could you be so wrong!” the psycho’s voice was loud over the other’s laughter. Axton stared at him, swaying in his seat, hiccuping quietly. Salvador placed his huge hands on the table and stood up (not that it made much of a difference). 

"Well, what do you have to say, huh? What do  _you_  think is under his mask?” the gunzerker jabbed a finger in Krieg’s general direction (his aim off a few inches or so) and fell with a small crash back into his seat, letting out a burp.

Krieg let out a small giggle, his bouncing becoming even more erratic. He lifted his sawblade and waved it in the air for a moment before placing it down on the table and climbing over the glasses and plates. He let out another giggle at Axton’s small gasp and placed himself directly in front of Salvador’s nose. Then, he made quiet kissing noises. The gunzerker made a disgusted noise and drew back as Axton let loose another bellow of laughter.

"SMALL LIPS!" Krieg screamed suddenly. "Tiny,  _tiny_  mouth…” He placed a hand to his mask, like the others, and Maya was sure if the psycho had visible lips, he would be squishing them together.

At this, Axton was making small squeaking noises in his attempt to breathe and Salvador’s expression turned into confused delight. Krieg sat back violently and tucked his legs under him with a chuckle, repeating to himself in a sing-song voice, “Beaver teeth, big lips or small lips, who can tell…?”

Maya crossed her arms at their behavior and quietly scolded, “And we are no closer to finding out….”


	2. Chapter 2

Returning from a solo mission, Zer0 found himself walking into Moxxi’s bar. He absently wiped blood from the blade of his pistol, and when he spotted the other vault hunters at a large table, raised the bloodied rag in greeting. Krieg’s eye lit up as he noticed the cloth and returned the gesture with his own buzz axe.

”Afternoon,” Zer0 said as he approached, noting the smell of alcohol from the gunzerker and the commando. Both of which took a look at the assassin, brought their eyebrows together as if trying to think of something, then their eyes met each others, and both went reeling backwards in painful laughter.

"What’s wrong with you two? / Is there something on my face? / My blade is still sharp!" he practically snapped, waving Krieg over so he could pull up a chair for himself. He sad himself down in it, leaning back against the chipped wood, and pretended to polish his pistol. The blade glinted in the light from above them.

"Number has a face!" Krieg pointed out, literally, as a thick finger was pressed close to the assassin’s faceplate.

Black, armor-plated shoulders tensed, and Maya quickly put a hand on Krieg’s arm, pulling it away. “We were just talking about you, Zer0,” she offered, shooting an angry look at Axton and Salvador, who were doing their best to stop bursts of laughter coming from their mouths.

"Oh?" The dirty rag was put away, along with the pistol, and the assassin waited for Maya to continue.

"Yeah," she said, "We were wondering what was under your helmet." She tried not to let it show, but it was hard to hide the fact that the siren was excited to potentially see just in fact what the faceless assassin looked like.

Zer0 almost laughed. “Under my helmet? / Why didn’t you just ask me? / There’s no need to hide.”

The table fell silent.

Even Axton and Salvador seemed to have sobered up in a matter of seconds.

"So…" the siren started slowly, "you’ll show us, then?"

Zer0 would have blinked at them. “Sure.”

The scraping of chair legs, and sawblades, accompanied all of the vault hunters suddenly leaning forward in unbridled excitement. Krieg found himself nearly climbing on the table, though he had no clue why, it was just fun.

"Yikes, calm down, hunters. / Is this a huge deal for all? / Krieg, get down from there."

Maya gulped. Salvador took a sloppy drink from his mug, a bit of his drink dribbling down his chin. Axton’s eyes were like dinner plates. Fucking huge. Krieg growled at the assassin, but sat back in his seat.

"Behind this helmet," Zer0 started, a 3-fingered hand raised, but was interrupted by a chorus of:

"Behind this helmet…" from the other four vault hunters, in a trance-like state.

"Let me finish, damn. / Ravenous pack of skags, here. / Please give me some space.”

On the other side of the table, Axton’s mind furiously ran through many images of what he thought the assassin would look like. Long flowing hair, or something short and messy? Facial scars? Or… what if he did have buck teeth…

Salvador couldn’t get a single image out of his head, that being huge lips. He stared at Zer0, thinking about just how in the world he would manage to fit those lips in a helmet, they were so comically large.

The psycho took delight in his mental images, thumping his buzz axe on the table in impatience. “Tiny mouth, tiny mouth!” he cheered out-loud, laughing into his mask.

Zer0 cleared his throat, and raised his hand to his faceplate. “Behind this helmet, / Which you are dying to see, / Is the same helmet!” he exclaimed, and tapped the side of helmet. The faceplace detached with a hiss of depressurizing air, and clattered to the table, revealing the exact same faceplate below. “Pretty cool you think? / If I do say so m—”

“Grrrrr…! No no no! Supposed to be a tiny mouth! Tiny mouth!” Krieg yelled leaping forward from his seat in an attempt to tackle the clearly amused assassin.

There was a light flash of red as “FML” was displayed in front of Zer0’s helmet, which was quickly swallowed up by the psycho as he shoved the other to the ground.


End file.
